McCormack Family Law | Top Divorce Lawyer | Child Custody & Support

Many people think parenting plans only make sense for shared parenting, where both parents retain custodial rights to children– not just one parent who is designated residential parent and legal custodian. In those cases, the Ohio Revised Code requires a written shared parenting plan to spell out all the details of how parents will work together to raise their children.

But what about when only one parent has custodial rights? Technically, that means the other parent has only residual parental rights that come into play if something happens to the custodial parent. Typically, the non-custodial parent simply gets a schedule of parenting time (visitation). In theory, the custodial parent makes all the decisions.

So why bother with a parenting plan?

Because real life is not very neat. A child may have health issues or special needs that require both parents to agree on how they will conduct certain aspects of childrearing. A non-custodial parent may feel that his or her legitimate interests in children’s wellbeing are simply ignored, that they’ve lost the right to have an opinion. That can lead to arguments, strife and court. Not to mention the decidedly negative impact on children.

The fact is, a parenting plan anticipates and solves many problems no matter what the custodial arrangement. Here are four positive things a parenting plan will do:

SPELL IT OUT. Does a child have a special diet that both parents need to follow? Do both parents need to get specialized knowledge or training to deal with a health or developmental matter? A parenting agreement spells out important things each parent must do for their child’s wellbeing. Does it actually make sense for both parents to participate in crucial medical decisions and emergency situations? Think about it and set  it out in the plan.

ANTICIPATE ISSUES. Here’s an example—Custodial parent: ‘I won’t allow him to spend too much time with my ex’s family during visitation.’ Other parent: ‘You can’t tell me what to do when he’s with me.’ A parenting agreement brings this issue out from the start and lets parents air their viewpoints, consider what their child wants, agree on something fair, and put it in writing.

BE CLEAR. In the example above, exactly what is ‘too much time?’ An hour? A day? Or how about—‘He calls our daughter too often when she’s home with me.’ What’s too often? Three times a day? Twice a week? Or—‘She showed up at her teacher conference. That’s what I do.’ Again, the process of making the agreement puts a finger on possible grey areas, so the parties can clarify them and reach agreement.

AVOID COURT. That’s not a 100 percent guarantee. But spelling things out, facing the issues and clarifying the fuzzy areas at the outset goes a long way to reducing the likelihood of having to resort to the expense and stress of court. Many parenting agreements, by the way, specify how parties will resolve disputes—through mediation, for instance, another way to avoid costly court battles.

A parenting plan doesn’t have to spell out every last thing in detail. But the process of creating the plan makes you think about what you assume and why (and the same for your ex). It helps you sort out what’s important and what’s not, what level of participation really is fair for both parties. And it keeps the focus on the best way to get to what’s good for your children when you do disagree. That’s especially important for pre-school kids, as developmental psychologist Jean Mercer writes.

Parenting agreements prepare you both to make a challenging transition a little smoother for you and the kids you love.

The first post on toxic stress in children talked about how it can:

 impair development of brain circuits;

suppress the body’s immune system, rendering a child vulnerable to disease

cause cognitive deficiencies in learning and memory centers in the brain;

cause children to become unable to deal with stress in the future.

Toxic stress affects kids for a lifetime. According to a recent paper from the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (NSCDC), toxic stress early in life can lead to lifelong anxiety disorders, depression and substance abuse, as well as physical problems including diabetes, stroke and cardiovascular disease.

Can a divorce really lead to such drastic consequences? Better question: Why wouldn’t it? To put it bluntly, high-conflict divorce with parents openly fighting can create an environment characterized by violence and neglect— whether parents and families intend it or not. As NSCDC makes clear, violence and neglect are two producers of toxic stress in kids.

It takes a very skilled professional to diagnose childhood toxic stress. But there’s reason to think about seeking help for a child who:

generally over-reacts to events and stimuli

does not make eye contact or show empathy

is anxious and hyper-vigilant

has unusual trouble remembering things

has a strong aversion to certain stimuli— lights or sounds, for instance

regularly engages in repetitious, automatic behavior

appears insensitive to social surroundings and cues

noticeably tunes out information that is not immediately important

shows a level of thinking low for their age

seems to be behind in language development

There’s no set pattern of signs but several of these behaviors persisting over many weeks suggests that professional evaluation would be worthwhile.

Next time: Avoiding toxic stress.

We often don’t think of children as being stressed. That’s an adult thing. But anyone contemplating an end to marriage, either a divorce or a dissolution, when there are minor children involved might want to tune in to stress in kids.

One place to start is ‘The Effects of Childhood Stress on Health Across the Lifespan’ published by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Read it here. The implications are chilling, to say the least.

Experts generally see three kinds of stress in children. Positive stress is from relatively short term adverse experiences that are usually predictable—things like going to a new day-care center or a new school or visiting the doctor for a shot. The process of learning to cope with this kind of stress is an essential part of normal childhood development. With the parents’ caring support, the stressful period is usually short.

Tolerable stress describes more intense life experiences– the death of a loved one or family disruption, such as a divorce. Again, Tolerable Stress is relatively short-lived and kids will usually overcome its effects with parents’ help. In these situations, tolerable stress morphs into positive stress, where children learn ways to cope and suffer few lasting adverse effects.

The killer is Toxic Stress. It comes from very intense adverse experiences over a long period of time— weeks, months or even years. Exactly the kind of stress that comes from high-conflict divorces, where parents are openly doing non-stop battle over many weeks and months.

Under that kind of continuing stress, a child’s physical stress response system is constantly activated. The resulting prolonged high levels of stress hormones, says the CDC, can have some very negative effects. It may:

impair development of brain circuits;
suppress the body’s immune system, rendering a child vulnerable to disease
cause cognitive deficiencies in learning and memory centers in the brain;
cause children to become unable to deal with stress in the future.

That’s food for thought for any divorcing parent feeling the urge to fight a battle that will defeat their spouse. When that spouse is also a parent, the question is: where’s the victory if the children suffer the effects of toxic stress?

Next time: How toxic stress affects kids’ behavior.